i miss you
by jAcObLoVeR aNd BaByDoLL
Summary: a sad tale of how tony blames himself for kates death
1. Chapter 1

_Hello there, an angel_

_From my nightmare,_

_The shadow on the back-_

_Ground of the morgue_

Kate stood over Tony, pleading, 'Tony let me die Tony, please" Tony backed away; he was surrounded by skeletons, all resembling Kate.

Tony woke up, Kates voice still ringing in his head, Tony ripped off his bedcovers, and walked into the bathroom.

Tony sat in the shower, steam rising from his sweating body, his head swimming with thoughts of Kate, the dream, and what it meant.

This was not the first, but all the other dreams were not as intense as this.


	2. emotionally torn

Tony walked back to bed, after calling in sick.

What did these dreams mean?

All the others he had had, Kate was pleading him to save her. Now she wanted to die?

Tony shook his head, as if to rid his mind of his thoughts.

These dreams were making him lose sleep.

Every morning he looked into the bathroom mirror, a pale, skeleton reflection stared back at him.

Dark smudges permanently rested under his eyes. 

'The unsuspecting victim, of darkness in the valley, we can live like jack and sally if you want"

-Flashback-

Tony held Kates hand, salt water sliding down his face.

He bent, level with Kates face. Cold, lifeless eyes staring back at him.

Tony kissed Kates forehead, resting his cheek on hers.

Anger boiled inside of Tony, for ari, for not being able to save Kate. And himself.

Not a day goes by that Tony doesn't swear at himself, for not telling Kate, how he felt.

How his heart pounded every time she was close. How scared he was that she could hear it. but she would never hear, or feel it.

and thats what tony regretted the most.


	3. the comforting drive

The alarm clock went off with o loud, continuing beep.

Tony sighed and got up, rubbing his eyes; he picked up the alarm clock, and switched it off.

Tony stood up, and started his usual routine, of getting ready for work. Gibbs had insisted that McGee drive him to work, and it had ended with a furious Tony.

Tony walked outside, locking his door behind him; he got into the car, looking evilly at McGee.

"You smash this car, and ill never speak to you again" said Tony. "Lets pray I smash the car" whispers McGee under his breath.

Tony turned the radio on, as coldplay's voice filled the car.

"_When you try your best_

_But you don't succeed"_

"_When you get what you want,_

_But not what you need"_

"_When you feel so tired, _

_But you can't sleep, _

_Stuck in reverse"_

Tony shifted uncomfortably in his seat, then stared out the window, willing himself to hold back his tears.

"_And the tears come sliding_

_Down your face"_

"_When you lose something_

_You can't replace"_

"_When you love someone _

_And it goes to waste"_

"_Could it be worse?"_

McGee silently turned off the radio; Tony wiped his face, just in case. " Do you miss her?" asks McGee. Tony continues to stare out of the window.

"Yeah" Tony answers back. "Me too" adds McGee.

They drive silently to the bullpen, consumed in thoughts.


	4. no title

Tony and McGee rode up the elevator in silence.

Both fearing they'd say the wrong thing to one another.

The elevator doors opened.

Tony put on a brave face, then walked into the bullpen.

"What have we got?" Tony asked.

Gibbs entered the room, landing a folder on Tony's desk.

"You've, got paperwork, and lots of it". Answered Gibbs.

Tony sighed. It was hard to be him, a fake smile always plastered on his fake face.

Tony just wanted to run away, into the woods, and far away.

Eat a mushroom; lay his head down on a moss-covered rock,

And sleep for a hundred years.

Or at least until they've invented a time machine.

Once Tony was finished all his paperwork, he leant back in his chair, which frightened him. If he wasn't constantly busy, his mind started to wonder.

Flicking through memories, flashbacks, of everything.

It wasn't always about Kate, sometimes he'd just remember the times when his biggest worry was how he looked around Kate, things to say if Kate came by…

O.k., so it was all about Kate.

It hurt Tony, to think about Kate, and how she thought about him. To her he was just a, annoying, flirtatious, person who only thought about his dick.

Sometimes he wished he was. He wished he could be so caught up in himself, that all that mattered was himself. Then he wouldn't have to think about anything else. About Kate.


	5. decision making

Tony woke, surprisingly not to the sound of his alarm.

But to the sound of waves clashing on the rocks.

For weeks this has been the only way of getting sleep.

Tony kept a Discman on his bedside table, the volume up extremely loud; it was the only way he could drown out his thoughts.

His thoughts of Kate.

But no matter how loud the volume was up, it could not drown out his dreams. The same dream, every night, Kate begging him to let her die.

Tony realised that today was Saturday. Which meant no work. Which meant a whole two days of sitting at home. Drowning his sorrows with a bottle of vodka.

But his sorrows were never drowned. They just find a small island at the back of his mind.

Deep, deep in his subconsciousness.

Tony got out of bed.

Sure of himself that this weekend would not be like the rest.

He decided that he would go sailing.

Kate loved to sail. One time he had snuck a look at her sketchbook. It had a beautifully drawn picture of a whit sailboat.

It held so much detail. Tony could just imagine the waves lapping against the hull.

So it was decided. Today Tony would go sailing.


	6. seeing is believing

Tony pulled up at the boat hiring place, stopping the

Car and opening his door. An old man sat

Smoking a pipe next to the boat hire sign.

Tony took a deep breath and walked up to him.

"You lookin' for a boat?" the old man asked.

Tony nodded.

"Well take your pick," he said, nodding his head

In the direction of the pier.

"It'll be fifty for two hours" the man

Added.

Tony got out his wallet and paid the man,

Then started walking in the

Direction of the boats.

There were only a few good ones.

The rest had mould and seaweed

Stuck to the hull.

Tony picked a white one, with baby

Blue sails. He untied the rope

And pushed off into sea.

The man sat rocking in his chair,

" That mans a lost soul." he muttered

Before going back to smoking

His pipe.

Tony raised the jib sheet, pulling on

The worn brown rope. Sea sprayed

Up at Tony, splashing against the hull.

A storm was coming.

As the minutes passed by, the waves

Got bigger, stronger. White foam threatened

Menacingly at the top of every

Wave, before crashing down.

Tony was pulling furiously at the

Jib sheet, as the main sail

Continuously changed direction.

Tony turned, as something caught his

Eye. Time seemed to stop.

The world ceased to exist.

Standing on the hull, holding on to the

Main sail, was kate.


	7. seeing is believing part 2

Tony stared in disbelief.

He let go of the jib rope and

Ran forward towards the hull.

Kate put up her hand,

As a warning to stop.

Tony was stopped, he couldn't

Move, every inch of his body was paralysed.

Kate walked backwards, and

Released her hand from the main sail,

She outstretched her hands,

And leant back.

"Noooo!" screamed Tony, his body seemed to

Unfreeze, as he bolted towards where Kate

Had stood.

Tony ran and dived into the overpowering

Waves.


	8. the sad ending

O.K. Im making three endings, you have 2 pick

Which one you like.

Ending one:

------------------------------------------

Tony's body was pulled back with the boat,

Slamming it against the hull.

The jib rope tangled around Tony's stomach.

Tightening, wrenching any air left in his

Lungs. So this is dying. Thought Tony as the

Rope around his waist tightened.

"Kate" sobbed Tony, his words never reaching

The surface, making small bubbles, that

Float carelessly up towards the

Breaking dawn.

Tony's life didn't flash before his eyes,

There was only one image in his mind, of Kate.

And that's were it would stay,

For the rest of eternity.

Just a memory.


	9. the peaceful ending

Ending two:

Tony's body thrashed around, struggling

To get to the surface.

Wave after wave pounded into him,

Invisible strings pulling his body

In every direction.

A searing pain shot through Tony's stomach, as it

Connected with something.

Tony's mind was overcome with exhaustion.

And then it was black.

Tony opened his eyes.

There were people around him, everywhere.

Rushing, blinding lights.

Tony's eyelids were opened up,

And a burning light was shone at them.

A far away voice was talking,

Asking his name.

Other voices filled the room.

"We'll have to operate now"

"Take him up to the O.R"

Tony felt his body lifting,

As strings of light pulled him upwards.

"Were losing him"

Tony saw himself just below.

Covered in blood.

Suddenly he was surrounded by light,

It was warm and welcoming.

Angelic music filled his ears.

And an angel appeared.

"Kate" whispered Tony.

Her arms were outstretched.

Tony fell into them.

"Im sorry" sobbed Tony,

"I should've saved you".

He looked up into Kate's

Eyes, they were smiling.

"you did Tony, you did save me".


	10. the 2 b continued ending

The 2 b continued ending:

Tony's body connected with something hard,

It knocked all the wind out

Of him.

Tony struggled to the surface,

The need for oxygen overpowering his

Mind.

Waves rolled Tony over,

Pulling him back down.

His head felt light-headed,

From lack of air.

Tony's arms suddenly weighed a

Hundred pounds.

They were dragging

Him down.

Deep, into the murky depth.

Tony's mind went black.

And that's all he remembers.

Tony opened his eyes,

Someone was sitting at the end of the bed.

It was a woman.

Tony's eyes adjusted to the light.

He looked around, he was in a hospital.

The woman at the end of the bed,

Was Kate.

Tony sat up, his head hurting,

He felt suddenly dizzy.

Kate opened her eyes.

And saw Tony sitting up.

She got up and rushed to his side,

"Tony, you're awake!" she said.

Tony spoke quietly,

"Your alive, but how?"

Kate frowned, "Don't you remember?"

"At the rooftop. You were shot."

She looked down. "You saw ari, and jumped in front

Of me" she said quietly.

She looked up. "That was three weeks ago,

You've been in a coma since then."

Tony's brain hurt. "I still don't understand,

You were shot, you died, I saw it"

Stammered Tony.

Kate shook her head,  
"No Tony, im not dead, YOU were shot,

On the side of the head. The bullet missed me."

"Because of you"

Kate finished.

She leant over, her face inches from his, "thankyou"

She whispered. Kate lent down, and kissed Tony,

Her lips tasted of honey.

Tony kissed her back, putting his arms around her,

This is what he was waiting for. His whole life.

The wait was worth it.


End file.
